March32010

Someday I'm gonna write a book

It’ll be the definitive guide for women seeking to attract men. It’ll be a raging sucess, sparking massive print runs & translated into 40 languages. And it’ll be one of the most cost effective operations in history cos it only has one goddamn page.




Step 1: Have a vagina. Boobs are pretty handy too.

Step 2: Be breathing*

*This is merely a recommendation, not a requirement.




Done. Fold that shit up & keep it in your pocket for future reference.

So where’s my fucking book deal people?

March12010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Moloko - Indigo


Indigo here we go oh oh oh
February262010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Amanda Ghost - Filthy Mind

Become a recluse
Enjoy the abuse
It’s better to just get high

 

Well it’s pretty much my own personal goddamn theme song now ain’t it? Inevitable really.
9PM
I asked my boyfriend if he found any of my friend’s attractive. He admitted that he thinks my friend A****** is hot & originally wanted to date her, not me. Now I can’t forget it! What do I do now? Ask a stupid question; get a stupid answer. If you didn’t want to know (and trust me, you really don’t want to know what’s going on in his head) why the fuck would you ask? Sometimes - okay, most of the time - people’s stupidity really is outstanding. So now you’re living in downtown Paranoia City. Congratulations on the move fucktard. I’m sorry but there’s nothing left to do but take her out. Smother her while she sleeps. Sure she’s a friend & that might seem a little extreme but it’s a dog eat dog world out there & those hot bitches get too much for free anyway. It’s the first rule of strategic girl vs girl combat - any threat must be eliminated. Your incessant nagging has given your insecurity a target & now you’ve got no option but to put that bitch down. Sorry Princess but it’s time to channel Mr Blonde & invest in a straight razor & some gas. Don’t forget to duct tape your boyfriend to a chair so he can witness the whole event. Slap him around a little as you carve up that pretty little face of hers. That’ll teach him not to admire anyone but you. *Do not actually attempt anything that we may have suggested in the past or may continue to suggest in the future. We’re not professionals but you’re plainly retarded.

I asked my boyfriend if he found any of my friend’s attractive. He admitted that he thinks my friend A****** is hot & originally wanted to date her, not me. Now I can’t forget it! What do I do now?


Ask a stupid question; get a stupid answer. If you didn’t want to know (and trust me, you really don’t want to know what’s going on in his head) why the fuck would you ask? Sometimes - okay, most of the time - people’s stupidity really is outstanding.

So now you’re living in downtown Paranoia City. Congratulations on the move fucktard. I’m sorry but there’s nothing left to do but take her out. Smother her while she sleeps. Sure she’s a friend & that might seem a little extreme but it’s a dog eat dog world out there & those hot bitches get too much for free anyway.

It’s the first rule of strategic girl vs girl combat - any threat must be eliminated. Your incessant nagging has given your insecurity a target & now you’ve got no option but to put that bitch down. Sorry Princess but it’s time to channel Mr Blonde & invest in a straight razor & some gas.

Don’t forget to duct tape your boyfriend to a chair so he can witness the whole event. Slap him around a little as you carve up that pretty little face of hers. That’ll teach him not to admire anyone but you.


*Do not actually attempt anything that we may have suggested in the past or may continue to suggest in the future. We’re not professionals but you’re plainly retarded.
February232010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Primal Scream - The Lord Is My Shotgun


Plough your death valley
Sow my seed in you

Bury you alive




My buddy Miss S wants a list of music you can get nekkid & fuck to. I’m guessing she thinks I’d be pretty good at this cos

1) I talk about sex alot; 

2) I talk about shit alot; 

3) I like grouping junk into stupid little series;

4) a good chunk of my music collection probably comes from strip bars anyway.

So Miss S, all this week (or until I get distracted & forget) I’m gonna post a lil somethin for you.
February222010

This is why I don't watch the "news"

What’s with all Tiger Wood’s little cock sleeve “mistresses” wanting an apology? Apologise to his fucking wife you sanctimonious bitches. Then get the fuck off my tv.

Pisses me off that all these women are made out to be victims. Women are still screaming that we want to be seen as being “equal”. Well part of that whole equality deal is that I have equal rights to fuck whoever I want, just like dudes do. And these semi-retarded attention whores used that right to fuck a married dude. Wasn’t exactly a secret that the dude was hitched & I’m pretty damn sure he didn’t have to slip a little somethingsomething into their drinks in order to seal the deal. So these empty headed pity factories who used their own free will to fuck him need to start having some personal responsibility for who they’re giving the kitteh to.


But wait, even after having the reality of the situation basically slap me in the goddamn fucking face, I’m still supposed to feel sorry for some dipshit pornstar cos she decided in the infinite wisdom of her tiny, famewhore brain, that it’d be a good idea to ride someone husband’s crotch? “Oh noes I’m sorry you’re a vapid fucking twit. Here’s some publicity & some cash. Hope you feel better”. Fuck you bitch, you made a choice to screw the dude so fucking own it. And fucking go away.





Golfer dude doesn’t owe anyone but his wife & his business partners an apology. All you nosey-ass fuckers can go get fucked & get your own damn lives. Though Tiger should probably go home, put his kids to bed & take a little nap or something.

February202010

You Really Shouldn't Dick That™


After reading/seeing some of the shit that gets sent my way, I’m seriously considering starting a tumblr full of photos of stuff you really shouldn’t fuck.

It’d start with that clip of some dude using a retardedly large funnel to stuff some japanese chick’s ass full of baby eels. I mean, you can’t unsee that kinda shit. And when you see the funnel come out…… well I’d say it was one of those soul destroying moments but fuck, we all know I probably didn’t have a soul to begin with.

Then it’d trail off into photos of Tila Tequila, Courtney Love & any dude from any emo/80’s revival band, before degenerating into furries, animals, foodstuffs & inanimate objects. I’d maybe even toss in a few ex boyfriends for flavour. Then I’d get bored & wander off.




On a whole, I predict this entire cycle would take less than 48 hours. Honestly, my lack of commitment is truly astounding.

February192010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The Cardigans - My Favourite Game



I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue
February172010

You don't need drugs. Believe me. I've never seen someone as straightout bizarre as you are while completely straight & sober.

It’s nice to know that your dealer buddies think that you’re weirder than they are.

February142010
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