Sex, rock n roll & retards Also royally fucking up la dee fuckin da & the most boring twitter on earth Remember kids, questions & cool stuff - apocalypsepie.com/askTumblr (3.0; @apocalypsepie)http://apocalypsepie.com/<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5i855URTK1qzreduo1_r1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><strong>Surprise! </strong></p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/872766722http://apocalypsepie.com/post/872766722Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:00:51 +1000Don’t tweet shit about smoking meth. Your mom’s on twitter nowdays and you’re...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/870018228http://apocalypsepie.com/post/870018228Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:51:00 +1000<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://apocalypsepie.com/swf/audio_player.swf?audio_file=http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/869883564/tumblr_l646oi1zpb1qzredu&color=FFFFFF" height="27" width="207" quality="best"></embed><br/><br/><p>Machine Gun Fellatio - Rollercoaster<br/><br/> </p> <p>Still the best band name EVER. </p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/869883564http://apocalypsepie.com/post/869883564Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:00:01 +1000“You smell like bacon & oppression, man.” - When I grow up I’m gonna be a...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/856275967http://apocalypsepie.com/post/856275967Sun, 25 Jul 2010 19:35:00 +1000or maybe just a Grim Fandango characterEx tweaker. Kept the cleanest goddamn house known to single mankind. Purveyor of assorted heavy duty...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/840394988http://apocalypsepie.com/post/840394988Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:13:34 +1000<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5su6zAT7p1qzreduo1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Goddamn. Sick of squinting & kinda terrified of getting wrinkles so booking an eye test. <br/><br/> </p> <p>Fuck I hope smart-assed, dirty mouthed dorky chicks with glasses still get laid. </p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/831474542http://apocalypsepie.com/post/831474542Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:54:00 +1000<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ku5pjenqLt1qzreduo1_r1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>When you tell me you’ve become a vegan I’m forced to ignore the new scene fueled ‘enlightened opinions’ you’re trying to preach at me & simply think of your alternative protein sources. </p> <p><br/><br/></p> <p>I’m not sorry. </p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/775908888http://apocalypsepie.com/post/775908888Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:02:41 +1000fucking preachy vegans“Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.” - So if you see him without an erection, make...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/741538322http://apocalypsepie.com/post/741538322Sun, 27 Jun 2010 20:05:00 +1000<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://apocalypsepie.com/swf/audio_player.swf?audio_file=http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/736236887/tumblr_l445khBLRq1qzredu&color=FFFFFF" height="27" width="207" quality="best"></embed><br/><br/><p>Jane’s Addiction - Ain’t No Right</p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/736236887http://apocalypsepie.com/post/736236887Sat, 26 Jun 2010 09:59:30 +10004 of my ex’s have been/are in hardcore bands (most of them shitty). Another one co-owns a...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/726966305http://apocalypsepie.com/post/726966305Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:22:07 +1000actually one is incredibly talented - just not particularly motivated<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3bq2dYEss1qzreduo1_r1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><em>I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now and everything has been great. Now we’ve been talking about maybe getting a little more kinky. I’m curious about some things but a few nights ago he told me he wants to eat a mars bar out of my vagina and I totally freaked out. Is this normal? What should I do?</em></p> <p><em><br/>“Is this normal?”</em>  First things first kiddo - when you start to embrace your inner kinkster, all fucking bets are off. </p> <p>So you got freaked out that your boy wants to eat chocolate outta your vadge. You should probably know by now that dudes like vaginas. Well, the straight ones do anyway. And dude’s like poking shit in vaginas (again, this tends to be a habit of the straight ones). Sure they start off with the standard fleshy fare; their dick, fingers, tongues etc. But hell, if you left them to their own devices you’d probably have a tube of toothpaste & a cigarette lighter stuffed up there. Maybe a coupla spoons too. You know, cos the toothpaste might get lonely. </p> <p>You wanted kinky & frankly, this is barely registering on the weirdass radar. When you take into consideration dudes that want to roll you in spaghetti & hang you by your nipples while you puke Skittles on their crotch, a chocolatey cooch is on the very bottom rung of the kink ladder. And a rookie like yourself has gotta step on that kink ladder somewhere. I wouldn’t advise starting from the top; that top rung has the potential to cause untold psychological damage & permanent scarring. So start at the bottom. Start small. Like Mars bar small. But hey, you can always say no if you want. That’s your choice.</p> <p>Who knows, could be kinda sexy. If your boy’s asked, he’s obviously interested in what a mars bar dipped in lady sauce is gonna taste like. Ain’t gonna hurt you. I could be wrong though; I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anywhere on the box that the ideal way to melt chocolate is in your cunt so I wouldn’t try seeing how long you can keep that shit up in there. But hey, I’m not a fucking doctor now am I?</p> <p><br/>Guess the real question is,<strong> just how much do you like Mars bars?</strong></p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/716302993http://apocalypsepie.com/post/716302993Sun, 20 Jun 2010 08:52:39 +1000“I am ridiculously proud I don’t have herpes.” - Apparently herp immunity is my...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/709926969http://apocalypsepie.com/post/709926969Fri, 18 Jun 2010 12:11:33 +1000You know the ones, some 12 year old girl wakes up as a magically wealthy Tom Hanks, complete with a...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/702874599http://apocalypsepie.com/post/702874599Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:44:00 +1000i think my vadge is bruised<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://apocalypsepie.com/swf/audio_player.swf?audio_file=http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/700143161/tumblr_l41kzzBoL01qzredu&color=FFFFFF" height="27" width="207" quality="best"></embed><br/><br/><p>Hole - <em>Be A Man<br/><br/><span><br/>Just rape the world<br/>Because you can<br/>That’s what it takes<br/>To be a man</span><br/> </em></p> <p>I’m not a Hole fan by any measure. For a start I consider “girl bands” to be a halfassed marketing ploy to shovel otherwise lackluster music down clueless people’s throats. I don’t give a fuck what anyone is packing downstairs - if you can’t make music without pointing out your rack n’ vadge combo to everyone who looks your way, you really ain’t ready to leave the basement. And need anyone point out that <em>anything</em> associated with Courtney Love is a plastic pumped, Oxycontin fuelled train wreck just a’waiting to burst into herpes shooting flames? Yeah; didn’t think so.</p> <p>That said, Be A Man is probably the only Hole song I’ll actually listen to without gagging. Which is probably why it was never on an actual Hole album. Plus it’s really awesome to fuck to. Or maybe that just gave away far too much information about me & how I like to play. Either way.</p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/700143161http://apocalypsepie.com/post/700143161Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:41:00 +1000<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3so24t5EM1qzreduo1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2010/01/equation_the_difference_betwee.php">via</a></p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/683267799http://apocalypsepie.com/post/683267799Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:34:52 +1000“I love you so much I’d fuck you in the ass 3 hours after Taco Bell.” - This is...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/674638058http://apocalypsepie.com/post/674638058Tue, 08 Jun 2010 09:50:00 +1000guess who won't be on cleanup duty?“Blandindiebandwithbeardsandglasses &...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/656606451http://apocalypsepie.com/post/656606451Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:17:00 +1000<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3brzlmeBT1qzreduo1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><em>Do you ever get depressed? What do you do about it?<br/><br/> </em></p> <p>Of course I get depressed. Everyone gets depressed to some extent. It’s like your god given right to live in a first world country & still feel like you’re hard done by with all your fancy running water & readily available food sources. But personally, when I start to feel like a piece of week old dogshit probably has more going for it, I use my innovative “Three P’s” method: <strong>Porn, Prozac & Penguins.</strong></p> <p><br/>Porn makes me happy cos orgasms make me happy. Orgasms = awesome. Duh. And Prozac is a no brainer. Of course porn & prozac don’t <em>really</em> go together cos prozac can really do a number on your sex drive. But really, once you’re safely anesthetized from the trials of the real world with the help of your little prescription friend, you don’t really give a flying fuck about not getting off. So remember to jerk off before popping that bad boy. <em>Before.</em> That’s a valuable lesson right there.</p> <p><br/>And the penguins? Sorry to disappoint, they aren’t a kinky thing. Just watching the dopey lookin lil bastards waddle around with bemused expressions like the gargantuan sized shoppers in a Walmart just makes me laugh my goddamn ass off. <br/><br/> </p>http://apocalypsepie.com/post/652613929http://apocalypsepie.com/post/652613929Tue, 01 Jun 2010 17:40:00 +1000if that don't work maybe you should see someone with some actual trainingIt’s awesome being told that Clint Mansell reads your blog so in all likelihood, knows all...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/639091817http://apocalypsepie.com/post/639091817Fri, 28 May 2010 10:45:49 +1000   Me, I have a standing invitation to a threesome. This is not the first serious proposal...http://apocalypsepie.com/post/624439072http://apocalypsepie.com/post/624439072Sun, 23 May 2010 18:23:00 +1000got the number to an interesting hotel room if i change my mind though