Firstly I check your blog almost every day. It’s great and your sense of humor is very refreshing. You should update more. Now my problem is that my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. At first our relationship was great but now I find that he’s constantly angry at me, telling me I’m fat, that I’m ugly and stupid. I try so hard to please him but everything I do is wrong and I don’t want to lose him. In the past he has cheated on me but every time I forgave him and took him back. So is it really too much to ask that he forgive me my flaws? Please don’t be too harsh on me because I really don’t know what to do.
I love shit like this. I’m a girl after all - and compliments are fucking rad. Unfortunately getting mail like this also means that shit just isn’t sinking into the goddamn fucking skulls of some of you people. So allow me to break it down for you.
MAM, YOU’RE AWESOME. You read the steaming piles of shit I write so of course you are.
YOU’RE DATING A DOUCHEFUCKINGTARD WHO IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. Your boyfriend’s a slutty fucking man-ho with no redeemable qualities & should be shot on sight.
TELL YOUR CUNTING PRICK OF AN EXCUSE FOR A BOYFRIEND TO GO DROWN HIMSELF IN A RIVER OF COCK MELTING BULLSHIT. And while you’re at it, throw something heavy at his head. Hell, run him over in your car if you can. I guarrantee it’ll make you feel better. Him; probably not.
GO GET DRUNK & FUCK A NICE BOY. If he reminds you in anyway of your now ex boyfriend, he’s not a fucking nice dude. Try looking at the library, maybe the zoo? I don’t know where the nice dudes hide out these days. Coffee shops are full of self important wankers, concerts filled with pretentious scensters & any dude you meet at work is usually married or your boss (Pro tip - don’t fuck your boss). Parks are full of junkies scoring smack & getting their monthly dose of sunshine. Bars are definitely off limit to someone in your state - the booze hounds can smell your shattered self esteem a mile away. Errrr….. the taco truck? Look, don’t hassle me for fucking details, just look dammit.
THEN I DON’T KNOW, GO GET MARRIED OR SOMETHING. Isn’t that how happy endings work? Sure I could point out that ‘nice dudes’ who aren’t unemployed heavily medicated chemically reliant semi retarded hipsters/social outcasts are near non-existant but that would drain the last vestiges of hope from all single girls everywhere. So yeah, I’m sure that nice dude will turn up & sweep you off your feet pretty soon.
In the meantime, feel free to bang crotches with any dude who makes you feel like the awesome person you are & doesn’t make you want to stab him in the eye after 10 minutes conversation. Wear a fucking rubber too. Cos that sucktackular bag of retard-dom you (used to) date has probably left you with five flavours of herpes.