June202010
I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now and everything has been great. Now we’ve been talking about maybe getting a little more kinky. I’m curious about some things but a few nights ago he told me he wants to eat a mars bar out of my vagina and I totally freaked out. Is this normal? What should I do?
“Is this normal?”  First things first kiddo - when you start to embrace your inner kinkster, all fucking bets are off. 
So you got freaked out that your boy wants to eat chocolate outta your vadge. You should probably know by now that dudes like vaginas. Well, the straight ones do anyway. And dude’s like poking shit in vaginas (again, this tends to be a habit of the straight ones). Sure they start off with the standard fleshy fare; their dick, fingers, tongues etc. But hell, if you left them to their own devices you’d probably have a tube of toothpaste & a cigarette lighter stuffed up there. Maybe a coupla spoons too. You know, cos the toothpaste might get lonely. 
You wanted kinky & frankly, this is barely registering on the weirdass radar. When you take into consideration dudes that want to roll you in spaghetti & hang you by your nipples while you puke Skittles on their crotch, a chocolatey cooch is on the very bottom rung of the kink ladder. And a rookie like yourself has gotta step on that kink ladder somewhere. I wouldn’t advise starting from the top; that top rung has the potential to cause untold psychological damage & permanent scarring. So start at the bottom. Start small. Like Mars bar small. But hey, you can always say no if you want. That’s your choice.
Who knows, could be kinda sexy. If your boy’s asked, he’s obviously interested in what a mars bar dipped in lady sauce is gonna taste like. Ain’t gonna hurt you. I could be wrong though; I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anywhere on the box that the ideal way to melt chocolate is in your cunt so I wouldn’t try seeing how long you can keep that shit up in there. But hey, I’m not a fucking doctor now am I?
Guess the real question is, just how much do you like Mars bars?

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now and everything has been great. Now we’ve been talking about maybe getting a little more kinky. I’m curious about some things but a few nights ago he told me he wants to eat a mars bar out of my vagina and I totally freaked out. Is this normal? What should I do?


“Is this normal?”
 First things first kiddo - when you start to embrace your inner kinkster, all fucking bets are off. 

So you got freaked out that your boy wants to eat chocolate outta your vadge. You should probably know by now that dudes like vaginas. Well, the straight ones do anyway. And dude’s like poking shit in vaginas (again, this tends to be a habit of the straight ones). Sure they start off with the standard fleshy fare; their dick, fingers, tongues etc. But hell, if you left them to their own devices you’d probably have a tube of toothpaste & a cigarette lighter stuffed up there. Maybe a coupla spoons too. You know, cos the toothpaste might get lonely. 

You wanted kinky & frankly, this is barely registering on the weirdass radar. When you take into consideration dudes that want to roll you in spaghetti & hang you by your nipples while you puke Skittles on their crotch, a chocolatey cooch is on the very bottom rung of the kink ladder. And a rookie like yourself has gotta step on that kink ladder somewhere. I wouldn’t advise starting from the top; that top rung has the potential to cause untold psychological damage & permanent scarring. So start at the bottom. Start small. Like Mars bar small. But hey, you can always say no if you want. That’s your choice.

Who knows, could be kinda sexy. If your boy’s asked, he’s obviously interested in what a mars bar dipped in lady sauce is gonna taste like. Ain’t gonna hurt you. I could be wrong though; I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anywhere on the box that the ideal way to melt chocolate is in your cunt so I wouldn’t try seeing how long you can keep that shit up in there. But hey, I’m not a fucking doctor now am I?


Guess the real question is, just how much do you like Mars bars?

June182010
“I am ridiculously proud I don’t have herpes.”
Apparently herp immunity is my superpower
June162010

Maybe it’s like one of those life swap deals

You know the ones, some 12 year old girl wakes up as a magically wealthy Tom Hanks, complete with a tit job & a Ferrari or some shit like that. I don’t know, I don’t watch shitty preteen movies much these days.


Anyway, I think someone crossed my wires. My fairy godmother got royally wasted along the way & I’ve woken up with the libido of a 21 year old dude at a girls only topless kegger. 

Which would be awesome but since I’ve been in a relationship I’ve kinda made this vow to stop fucking random dudes when the mood hits me. Did I mention that my ass is in Australia while the other half of this relationship is in California? 




Yeah I’m fucked. Just not in the way I’d like to be. 

June152010
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Hole - Be A Man


Just rape the world
Because you can
That’s what it takes
To be a man

 

I’m not a Hole fan by any measure. For a start I consider “girl bands” to be a halfassed marketing ploy to shovel otherwise lackluster music down clueless people’s throats. I don’t give a fuck what anyone is packing downstairs - if you can’t make music without pointing out your rack n’ vadge combo to everyone who looks your way, you really ain’t ready to leave the basement. And need anyone point out that anything associated with Courtney Love is a plastic pumped, Oxycontin fuelled train wreck just a’waiting to burst into herpes shooting flames? Yeah; didn’t think so.

That said, Be A Man is probably the only Hole song I’ll actually listen to without gagging. Which is probably why it was never on an actual Hole album. Plus it’s really awesome to fuck to. Or maybe that just gave away far too much information about me & how I like to play. Either way.

June102010
via

via

June82010
“I love you so much I’d fuck you in the ass 3 hours after Taco Bell.”
This is all the proof I need that my boy really does love me. Apparently. (via)
June22010
“Blandindiebandwithbeardsandglasses & melancholybrunettewhoholdsanacousticshecan’tplay are so under-rated. They’ve got this lo-fi, organic sound that embodies the malaise of our generation. They play vintage guitars & wear scarves. They’re toothpick vegans who wear children’s clothing. They’re better than you. And you’ll blow their entire 2 weeks of credibility by listening to them.”


Shit. You got me. I’m not an internet hipster. I have a life & don’t listen to shit music written by fucktards who survive solely on coffee enemas & wear stupid glasses. I guess I’ll never write for pitchfork or whichever music blog vinyl humping retards in too tight jeans read.

My dreams = shattered.

June12010
Do you ever get depressed? What do you do about it? 
Of course I get depressed. Everyone gets depressed to some extent. It’s like your god given right to live in a first world country & still feel like you’re hard done by with all your fancy running water & readily available food sources. But personally, when I start to feel like a piece of week old dogshit probably has more going for it, I use my innovative “Three P’s” method: Porn, Prozac & Penguins.
Porn makes me happy cos orgasms make me happy. Orgasms = awesome. Duh. And Prozac is a no brainer. Of course porn & prozac don’t really go together cos prozac can really do a number on your sex drive. But really, once you’re safely anesthetized from the trials of the real world with the help of your little prescription friend, you don’t really give a flying fuck about not getting off. So remember to jerk off before popping that bad boy. Before. That’s a valuable lesson right there.
And the penguins? Sorry to disappoint, they aren’t a kinky thing. Just watching the dopey lookin lil bastards waddle around with bemused expressions like the gargantuan sized shoppers in a Walmart just makes me laugh my goddamn ass off.  

Do you ever get depressed? What do you do about it?

 

Of course I get depressed. Everyone gets depressed to some extent. It’s like your god given right to live in a first world country & still feel like you’re hard done by with all your fancy running water & readily available food sources. But personally, when I start to feel like a piece of week old dogshit probably has more going for it, I use my innovative “Three P’s” method: Porn, Prozac & Penguins.


Porn makes me happy cos orgasms make me happy. Orgasms = awesome. Duh. And Prozac is a no brainer. Of course porn & prozac don’t really go together cos prozac can really do a number on your sex drive. But really, once you’re safely anesthetized from the trials of the real world with the help of your little prescription friend, you don’t really give a flying fuck about not getting off. So remember to jerk off before popping that bad boy. Before. That’s a valuable lesson right there.


And the penguins? Sorry to disappoint, they aren’t a kinky thing. Just watching the dopey lookin lil bastards waddle around with bemused expressions like the gargantuan sized shoppers in a Walmart just makes me laugh my goddamn ass off. 

 

May282010

Awkward

It’s awesome being told that Clint Mansell reads your blog so in all likelihood, knows all bout that uber crush you have on him.


Oops. 

May232010

What are *you* doing tonight?

 

Me, I have a standing invitation to a threesome.

This is not the first serious proposal I’ve received. And I don’t know why this happens. Apparently something about me screams “I’d like to poke around in each other’s vaginas for a bit then have my boyfriend/husband pack your lunchbox full of dick.” Hoo-fuckin-ray for me.



I put it down to the always charming personality, winning smile & big tits. That & the fact that I have this annoying habit of talking bout fucking to pretty much anyone I meet. 

Look, I know I’m irresistible. And yeah, I know I got a dirty mouth that looks like it’ll blow the wheels of your car. I still don’t do pussy though. Sorry.

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