Apocalypse Pie

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now and everything has been great. Now we’ve been talking about maybe getting a little more kinky. I’m curious about some things but a few nights ago he told me he wants to eat a mars bar out of my vagina and I totally freaked out. Is this normal? What should I do?

“Is this normal?”  First things first kiddo - when you start to embrace your inner kinkster, all fucking bets are off. 

So you got freaked out that your boy wants to eat chocolate outta your vadge. You should probably know by now that dudes like vaginas. Well, the straight ones do anyway. And dude’s like poking shit in vaginas (again, this tends to be a habit of the straight ones). Sure they start off with the standard fleshy fare; their dick, fingers, tongues etc. But hell, if you left them to their own devices you’d probably have a tube of toothpaste & a cigarette lighter stuffed up there. Maybe a coupla spoons too. You know, cos the toothpaste might get lonely. 

You wanted kinky & frankly, this is barely registering on the weirdass radar. When you take into consideration dudes that want to roll you in spaghetti & hang you by your nipples while you puke Skittles on their crotch, a chocolatey cooch is on the very bottom rung of the kink ladder. And a rookie like yourself has gotta step on that kink ladder somewhere. I wouldn’t advise starting from the top; that top rung has the potential to cause untold psychological damage & permanent scarring. So start at the bottom. Start small. Like Mars bar small. But hey, you can always say no if you want. That’s your choice.

Who knows, could be kinda sexy. If your boy’s asked, he’s obviously interested in what a mars bar dipped in lady sauce is gonna taste like. Ain’t gonna hurt you. I could be wrong though; I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anywhere on the box that the ideal way to melt chocolate is in your cunt so I wouldn’t try seeing how long you can keep that shit up in there. But hey, I’m not a fucking doctor now am I?

Guess the real question is, just how much do you like Mars bars?

via

Do you ever get depressed? What do you do about it?

 

Of course I get depressed. Everyone gets depressed to some extent. It’s like your god given right to live in a first world country & still feel like you’re hard done by with all your fancy running water & readily available food sources. But personally, when I start to feel like a piece of week old dogshit probably has more going for it, I use my innovative “Three P’s” method: Porn, Prozac & Penguins.

Porn makes me happy cos orgasms make me happy. Orgasms = awesome. Duh. And Prozac is a no brainer. Of course porn & prozac don’t really go together cos prozac can really do a number on your sex drive. But really, once you’re safely anesthetized from the trials of the real world with the help of your little prescription friend, you don’t really give a flying fuck about not getting off. So remember to jerk off before popping that bad boy. Before. That’s a valuable lesson right there.

And the penguins? Sorry to disappoint, they aren’t a kinky thing. Just watching the dopey lookin lil bastards waddle around with bemused expressions like the gargantuan sized shoppers in a Walmart just makes me laugh my goddamn ass off.